Seiken Survivor
by Kurai-Jaugen-Doragon
Summary: The result of a mind on Pixie Styx. See your favorite SD3 stars battle to survive in this parody of that lame and stupid reality TV
1. Episode One: Get to know your morons!

Seiken Survivor!  
  
...Yeah..we're screwed..  
  
(We see that the location is the Desert of Scorching Heat, and we also see the host, Kurai [tee hee, me!] standing out in the middle of the site with the cast members around her)  
  
Kurai: Hi everyone! Welcome to Seiken Survivor, where you see your favorite SD3 characters in the middle of the Navarrian Desert, striving to live and win one million luc! Before we meet the cast, maybe I should explain why we're out here in the desert. Well, we WERE going to do this on the Island of Oblivion.however.**glares at Bigieu**  
  
Bigieu: Ah, well.heh.  
  
Kurai: **sigh** THIS idiot blew up the island.  
  
*~*~*Flashback*~*~*  
  
(The Island of Oblivion is teeming with staff members for the show, and in the distance we see Navarre's airship moving in)  
  
Bigieu: Hahaha! Die!  
  
(Airship proceeds to blow up the island)  
  
*~*~*End of Flashback*~*~*  
  
Bigieu: I seriously thought those dorks **nods over to Mana Heroes** were on the island!  
  
Kurai: Well, they weren't, were they?!? And now we're out here in the desert. And for blowing up the island, you don't get to participate! **drags out catapult**  
  
Bigieu: !!!  
  
Kurai: **shoves Bigieu in and catapults her far, far away so she smacks into a mountain in Rolante and splatters like a bug** There. Okay now, let's meet the cast! **walks over to cast** First, the strong, bold, and valiant swordsman from Forcena, it's Duran!!  
  
Duran: **brandishes sword artfully then sheathes it** Hidiho!  
  
Kurai: May I make note to the viewers that the cast was allowed to bring one weapon with them to the desert. So, brought your sword?  
  
Duran: **shrug** It's the only thing I use.  
  
Kurai: Ooohh yeeahh. . Next, we have the courageous and beautiful Princess of Rolante, Lise!  
  
Lise: **twirls spear, throws it up in the air, catches it** Hello.  
  
Kurai: What do you think your chances are of surviving?  
  
Lise: Pretty good. I am, after all, an amazoness.  
  
Kurai: Yeah yeah, don't brag. Next, we have the annoyingly cute half-elf, Carlie!  
  
Carlie: **swings flail in the air, hits herself** Ow! Carlie hurt!  
  
Kurai: .heh.she doesn't stand a chance.**ahem** Anyway! Now we have the strong, powerful yet modest Beastman, Kevin!  
  
Kevin: **does a few kicks and punches, then a flip** Hi.  
  
Kurai: Hi Kevin! Are you looking forward towards spending your time here with your friends and enemies?  
  
Kevin: Enemies?  
  
Kurai: Yeah! **points over to several of the SD3 villains, rocking back and forth on their toes and fidgeting, waiting to be introduced**  
  
Kevin: Oh. Uh.yeah?  
  
Kurai: Good boy! Next we have the handsome thief right from these sands, Hawk!  
  
Hawk: **twirls knives and then sheathes them** Howdy.  
  
Kurai: You must be used to all of this, especially since you're from here.  
  
Hawk: Yeah, no problem! **winks and smiles at the camera charmingly**  
  
Kurai: ..Damn..Uh.now, we have the lovely yet no-talent Princess of Altena, Angela!  
  
Angela: What do you mean no talent? And why was I picked last?!?  
  
Kurai: One, you can't use magic. Two, you're a stupid girlie princess with ADD and I hate you. (Cheers from Koren, The Darkshine Knight, and Duran in the background)  
  
Angela: ..oh.  
  
Kurai: Yeah, so shut up. Now, let's meet the darker side of SD3, the villains! **walks over to villains** We have six of these guys.  
  
Heath: No you don't! You killed Bigieu!  
  
Kurai: o.O Oh yeah.uh.then I'll be a cast member!  
  
Everyone: WHAT?!?  
  
Kurai: Shut up or I'll delete you from this story!  
  
Everyone: .  
  
Kurai: Good. Anyway, we have SIX people, including me, for the villains. Let's meet out first, the maniac psychopath, Deathjester!  
  
Deathjester: **swings scythe around, plants it into the ground** Hey.  
  
Kurai: I notice that the Masked Mage isn't here, do you know why?  
  
Deathjester: He went to Vegas.  
  
Darkshine Knight: .and the Dragon Emperor is reading trashy romance novels.  
  
Jagan: .and Archdemon is watching a soap opera marathon and didn't want to come.  
  
Kurai: Wow.that was random.Well, next we have the converted magician Heath!  
  
Heath: **plays with Holy Ball, dissipates it** Hi!  
  
Kurai: Well, aren't we perky!  
  
Heath: Coffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffee!  
  
Kurai: Wow.he's almost as bad as I am (cue music: Dun dun duuunnnnn) **looks around for where the music could've come from** ..Yeah.now, we have the mysterious blade master, the Darkshine Knight!  
  
Darkshine Knight: **swings sword artfully like Duran, and plants it into the ground** Hello there.  
  
Kurai: **scans Darkshine** Are you ready to spend a whole lotta time here in the desert wearing that?  
  
Darkshine Knight: For 1 million luc I will!  
  
Kurai: Ah.it's always the money.Well, now we have the world's most powerful Wizard from Altena, Koren!  
  
Koren: **tosses a few fireballs back and forth between his fingers and extinguishes them** Hello!  
  
Kurai: **almost drooling** You're going to use your magic?  
  
Koren: Actually, no. I brought something else along! **pulls out registered AK-47**  
  
Kurai: !!!!! Whoa! Ah.well.now we have my new partner and vampire from the underworld, Jagan!  
  
Jagan: **uses psychic power to lift a fairly large boulder up and smacks it into Angela. We here her scream and curse in the background** Heeelloooo!  
  
Kurai: Hey, looks like your psychic power will help out a lot! Hehehe.glad I have him as a partner! Well, it looks like we'll have to split up into our camps now, huh?  
  
Duran: Yeah, how does that work?  
  
Kurai: A small twist my little friend.the people corresponding to your quest will be in your camp, here's the list:  
  
Camp Rabite: Heath, Deathjester, Carlie, Kevin Camp Harpy: Duran, Koren, Darkshine Knight, Angela Camp Myconnid: Hawk, Lise, Jagan, Kurai  
  
Angela: WHAT? NO WAY! I am NOT camping with three guys!  
  
Duran: **turns to Kurai** You're right, she is girlie.  
  
Angela: I HEARD THAT!  
  
Kurai: Ah well, not my problem! Mwahaha! Good luck! Everyone, to your camps!  
  
(Everyone heads to his or her camps as the sun sets.)  
  
(That evening)  
  
[Camp Rabite]  
  
Carlie: **clinging to Heath's leg** Heathie! I missed you Heathie!  
  
Heath: Oh GODS! Get her off!!!  
  
Kevin: Me try! **has to use all of his strength to pull Carlie off and ties her to a tree** There!  
  
Heath: Why, thank you Kevin.  
  
Kevin: No prob!  
  
Deathjester: Let's go hunting for dinner.  
  
Kevin: Kay!  
  
(Deathjester, Kevin, and Heath all go hunting)  
  
Carlie: Carlie.sad.  
  
[Camp Harpy]  
  
Duran: **is trying to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together**  
  
Angela: Give it up! You're never going to do it you moron.  
  
Duran: Hey! I'm sick of you making crude jokes at me!  
  
Koren: Can you blame her? Everyone else does the same to her.  
  
Duran: Yeah, well, that's because she deserves it.  
  
Angela: Like hell I do!  
  
Darkshine Knight: Could you guys be nice and shut up? I'm trying to sleep.  
  
Duran: It's barely past dark.  
  
Koren: That's Darkshine for you. He'll go to sleep early and then wake up at the crack of dawn and bug the sh** out of everyone.  
  
Duran: Seems like Carlie.**finally gets fire started** Huh? Yayhoo!  
  
Angela: Oh what? You want a medal now?  
  
Duran: Grr..  
  
Koren: This is pitiful.let's get something to eat.  
  
Duran: Yes, please, anything!  
  
(Duran and Koren leave)  
  
Angela: Hmph! I don't believe this! (dramatic/patriotic music cues in) I am a Princess! I should not be treated like this! **stands up, places hand over heart** I am of royal blood, and they have absolutely no right to do this to me! Am I right Darkshine?  
  
Darkshine Knight: .  
  
Angela: This is me when I'm proud! This is me when I'm angry! This is-  
  
Darkshine Knight: -me not caring.  
  
Angela: ..  
  
[Camp Myconnid]  
  
(Everyone is whistling Colonel Bogey and helping make dinner)  
  
Hawk: Huh.hey.um, Jagan, what do we do now?  
  
Jagan: Add the herbs.  
  
Hawk: Oh right!  
  
Kurai: I never knew you knew how to cook so well Jagan!  
  
Jagan: It's always been a hobby of mine.  
  
Lise: I can't cook for anything, I'm lousy at that.  
  
Hawk: I'll say.  
  
Lise: What?!? What was that?!?  
  
Hawk: You burned everything whenever we tried to make something out in the wild. You were hopeless.  
  
Lise: Hmph.  
  
Hawk: That's what royalty gets you, a body of worthlessness.  
  
Lise: Yeah, well, you're what thievery does to a person; makes them an anarchist!  
  
Hawk: I am NOT!  
  
Kurai: Gods, shut up you two.  
  
Jagan: Yeah, if we're going to spend our time here, might as well make it as pleasant as can be.  
  
Lise and Hawk: All right.  
  
Kurai: **to camera** Well, it's obvious that things are starting off a little rocky for everyone.tune into next weeks episode to find out what happens next! This is Kurai, wishing you a good-LISE! YOURE BURNING IT! AHH!!  
  
(Scenes from the next Seiken Survivor)  
  
Harmless Rabite: Chirp?  
  
Duran: Aww.it got lost all the way out here! C'mere little thing.  
  
Harmless Rabite: Chirp.**hopes closer to Duran**  
  
Duran: That's right.that's right.NOW KOREN!  
  
Koren: **war cry** DIE!! **shoots the Rabite full of holes with AK-47**  
  
(Screen fades into black and we hear Duran and Koren cheer in the background)  
  
See ya next time! 


	2. Episode Two: Water Dragons and Half-elve...

Seiken Survivor  
  
  
  
Yeah...we're screwed...  
  
(Camera settles in on the Navarrian Desert. It's daybreak, well, almost daybreak. Close in on Camp Myconnid, everyone is asleep)  
  
Kurai: Mmph.nkg.zzz.  
  
Camera Man: Kurai! You're on!  
  
Kurai: Huh? AHH! **pulls sheets to chest** Oh! Um, Welcome back to Seiken Survivor! First, maybe I should explain why this episode is so damn late.well.I was sitting at my computer typing...  
  
*~*~*~*~*Flashback*~*~*~*~*  
  
(Kurai is indeed, at her computer typing)  
  
Kurai Voiceover: When suddenly, an emergency situation came up!  
  
(Kurai continues to type, suddenly her front door breaks down and a bunch of Nazi's come in)  
  
Nazi #1: Surrender now, hail Hitler!! Would you like some cookies?  
  
Kurai: Ahhh! Nazis!! Damnit guys, you lost the frickin war and Hitler was a prick. Get over it!  
  
Nazi #1: Mwahaha! That's what you think! **ties Kurai to her computer chair so she can't type, leaves**  
  
Kurai: **struggles** Aw, Damnit!  
  
*~*~*~*~*End of Flashback*~*~*~*~*  
  
Kurai: So that's what happened. Anyway, the S.W.A.T team eventually arrived and everything's hunky dory now. So, today we'll see if the camps can actually get together without ripping each other's throats out.  
  
Hawk: Ooh.yeah.unnh.Jessica.  
  
Kurai: .well we made it through the night.  
  
[Camp Harpy]  
  
Darkshine Knight: (obviously hyper) WAKE UP ANGELA!!  
  
Angela: Wha? Unn, It's before daybreak!  
  
Darkshine Knight: Whee! I know!  
  
Angela: **looks around** Huh? Hey, where are Koren and Duran?  
  
Darkshine Knight: They went to go get breakfast.hey! Let's go RUNNING!  
  
Angela: Let's not.  
  
Darkshine Knight: C'mon! **drags Angela into the desert**  
  
[In some unsuspecting shrubs in the middle of nowhere]  
  
Duran: **whispering** Remember the plan.  
  
Koren: Gotcha.  
  
Duran: **crawls out of the bushes**  
  
Harmless Rabite: Chirp?  
  
Duran: Aww.it got lost all the way out here! C'mere little thing.  
  
Harmless Rabite: Chirp.**hopes closer to Duran**  
  
Duran: That's right.that's right.NOW KOREN!  
  
Koren: **war cry** DIE!! **shoots the Rabite full of holes with AK-47**  
  
Harmless Rabite: CHIRP!! **shudders and dies**  
  
Duran: That was awesome!! THAT WAS AWESOME!!  
  
Koren: Woohoo! **Duran and Koren to some weird handshake thing that they obviously made up while hunting**  
  
Duran: **slings dead and battered Rabite over his shoulder** Alright, we better get back. They're probably starving while the sleep.  
  
Koren: Actually, the Darkshine Knight should be up by now. Like I said, he gets up at dawn. He's really hyper then.he'll drag anyone.out.to.run.around.  
  
Both: ...!! ANGELA! **run as quickly as possible back to their camps**  
  
[Camp Rabite]  
  
(Everyone is asleep, Carlie is still tied to tree)  
  
Heath: Mm.**wakes up, yawns** Good morning everyone!  
  
Deathjester: **obviously just woke up too** G'morning.  
  
Carlie: Umm..Heath.let me down from tree now?  
  
Heath: Hug me and I'll kill you.  
  
Carlie: Carlie won't hug!  
  
Heath: Fine. **unties Carlie**  
  
Carlie: **rubs hands** Thanks.  
  
Heath: Sure. **pokes Kevin** Wake up.we need to go hunting for breakfast.  
  
Kevin: **wakes up** Um.kay. !!! Hey! You let Carlie down!  
  
Heath: She won't hug me, she promised.  
  
Carlie: Can Carlie come hunt with you?  
  
Kevin: It dangerous.so.why not?  
  
Carlie: Yay! Hunting with Kevy and Heathie!  
  
Heath: Don't call me Heathie..  
  
[Camp Harpy]  
  
(Duran and Koren have just returned to find their camp empty)  
  
Duran: Oh.no..  
  
Koren: Sh**. This isn't good.  
  
Duran: Where could they be?  
  
Darkshine Knight: **comes running out of the bushes** WEEEEEEEEE!!  
  
Angela: **tries to keep up** Y'know.after throwing up five times and nearly breaking my ankle, this isn't so bad! **continues to run**  
  
(Darkshine Knight and Angela go into the opposite bushes)  
  
Koren: .....  
  
Duran: ..Riiiight...let's eat!  
  
Koren: Yay! **the two begin to make breakfast**  
  
[Camp Myconnid]  
  
Jagan: .and using that plant, we can make a dough.see?  
  
Lise: Okay.I get it...Hey Kurai! Hawk!  
  
Kurai: Yeah?  
  
Lise: Get berries, we're making something scones.  
  
Kurai: Whatever. Let's go Hawk!  
  
Hawk: Right! (Kurai and Hawk run off)  
  
Lise: **sigh** Maybe that wasn't too smart.  
  
Jagan: Why not?  
  
Lise: They're not too bright.  
  
Jagan: Then that was a good thing.  
  
Lise: Yeah.Hawk is just.Well, he's a pervert.  
  
Jagan: Wait, what?!?  
  
Lise: He is! But at least he has a new girlfriend...  
  
Jagan: **stares, blinks, raises eyebrows** ...New girlfriend?  
  
[Near the small oasis.somewhere.]  
  
(Carlie, Heath, and Kevin are out hunting)  
  
Kevin: We rest. Water here. Drink.  
  
Heath: Good idea. **sits down**  
  
Carlie: **puts hand in the water** La la la.  
  
(Angela and the Darkshine Knight come out of the bushes)  
  
Angela: Oh! Hi guys!  
  
Heath: Hey Angela. Hey Darkshine Knight.  
  
Kevin: What you doing?  
  
Darkshine Knight: Running.  
  
Heath: .....why?  
  
Both: **look at each other, look back** We don't know.  
  
Heath: Oh. **watches Carlie play with the water**  
  
Carlie: La la la!  
  
Darkshine Knight: ..Huh....y'know, the Dragon Emperor told me that there are Water Dragons in every source of water on Fa'Diel.  
  
Kevin: Don't say.  
  
Darkshine Knight: Yeah. Even in the desert.  
  
Water Dragon: **chomps Carlie and drags her down into the water**  
  
Everyone: !!!!!!!!!!!!! **stare with their mouths wide open**  
  
Heath: Oh my gods! It killed Carlie!  
  
Angela: You bas- oh wait.that was good, right?  
  
Everyone else: Yeah.that was good.  
  
Angela: Okay.  
  
(Kurai comes out of bushes)  
  
Kurai: Huh? We having a pow wow?  
  
Heath: A Water Dragon ate Carlie!!  
  
Kurai: What? Second episode and we already have a dead character?  
  
Kevin: Guess so.  
  
Kurai: Oh...Carlie....  
  
(Everyone is silent until..)  
  
Hawk: **comes out of the bushes** Hey! We're making scones!  
  
Everyone: SCONES! **run off with Kurai and Hawk**  
  
[Camp Myconnid]  
  
(Everyone is eating scones. Duran and Koren eventually came and brought their dead Rabite. So, everyone is eating scones and cooked Rabite)  
  
Koren: Shame about Carlie.  
  
Duran: What?  
  
Koren: You don't miss her?  
  
Angela: Not really...why?  
  
Koren: .....Nevermind.  
  
Darkshine Knight: If something ever happened to Koren I don't know what I'd do! **hugs Koren**  
  
Koren: Aargh! Damnit, lemme go!  
  
Darkshine Knight: **lets go** Touch-Y.  
  
Kurai: **munch** Well....things are going well I guess. The death of Carlie is obviously being overlooked. Poor l'il bugger..anyway, next time, we'll have our first Camp Competition and one more character will be cast out of this desert. This is Kurai, having a scone, and wishing you a nice day!  
  
(Scenes from the next Seiken Survivor)  
  
Kurai: All you do is jump over those rocks, swim across the river, and climb up that tree to the coconuts. Then you bring them back. Got it?  
  
Deathjester: Got it!  
  
Kurai: Ready.and..go!  
  
Deathjester: **starts jumping over the rocks, suddenly slips and falls down the hill for about 20 feet** Aw! Sh**! Damnit! Aw f*** it! Aw sh**!  
  
(Screen fades out as we hear Deathjester curse and break bones)  
  
See ya next time!  
  
  
  
A/N: Don't flame me if you're a Carlie lover. Please don't flame.she comes back next season, I swear! ^_^ 


End file.
